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[21 Apr 2009|10:04pm] |
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The closer I am to becoming a writer, the harder it is to actually write something. It seems that I have been writing many pieces lately, ranging from journalism to short stories, to developing a novel. Yet, it's becoming harder and harder to actually sit down and write. The problem is that my brain says, okay its time to write. But nothing comes out. This is excruciating, both the stress and the actual writing to come up with something that isn't pure shit. Obviously, I used to be able to just sit down and write about anything and be opinionated. There seems to be no stimulus, when I actually clear time to write. Which is probably just completely bogus anyway. It could be something more of the lines of stress lately, or it could be just growing up and my brain changing. One thing is for sure, I don't have time as much as I used to to daydream. There is still so much to learn about, and I feel like I am just constantly second guessing myself instead of just writing and writing. Second guessing comes into play with everything, especially job searches lately. And post graduate opportunities, and grad school. Quit the soul search, just jump in, is probably the best advice I can give myself lately.
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| "Across the country in nearly all fields, employers expect to hire 22% fewer [2009] graduates..." |
[11 Apr 2009|03:35pm] |
As I come closer to graduating, the so called most important question becomes more and more overbearing. This is of course, "What are you going to do with your life?" It's pretty fitting that the year that I am graduating, will be the year where the headline "Recession deepens" is used most often. Yet, what does that even mean? To me, or you?
Well, they say that the average job search, which normally took an average of 6 months, is taking 30% longer, to 9 months.
Government volunteer programs are seeing rocketing admissions-- up 100-400%, (due to Obama's national service call? I think not). A Boston Globe article wrote that Teach for America applications rose from 17,000 in 2005, to 35,000 this year. The article focused on gradutes from Ivy League schools, where, normally, they would go to the Financial Market. But now that it is tattered, according to the Globe, the finance sector is seeing 71% fewer jobs.
One person who person who is looking else where says: "There's always that push to make money and be comfortable, but the financial crises made me think there's a lot more in life than going to get that corporate job.... It gave me a good excuse to take some more time off to do what I'm really passionate about."
Because Teach for America is a great vacation from the stress of the financial markets! I feel bad for the kids. Some of these teachers will invest two years into them, and then abruptly leave when the market is picking up. As it is now, I wouldn't be surprised if some of these applicants rescind their applications.
What about those who were always passionate about Teach For America? Now they have a lesser chance of getting accepted because of the Ivy Leaguers, they will not have the chance to invest time into the students, as TFA has a problem with teachers committing for more than the 2 years of service. Teacher licensures, it seems only a temporary fix.
The same Boston Globe article said that the percentage of change in anticipated hiring of college graduates is down 21.6%, when compared with the previous year. "Across the country and in nearly all fields, employers expect to hire 22 percent fewer graduates [than last year...] according to a recent survey by the National Association of Colleges and Employers...."
"The drop is even worse in the Northeast, with a 39 percent decrease from last year." Just this past Thursday, WMUR held a career fair in Manchester where 10,000 people showed up, half of which was admitted. The employers totaled around 1200 jobs, and 5,000 job seekers competed for these jobs.
It seems the career fair industry, career counseling and support seems to be a good career field to get into right now! Huge potential for money making right there.
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[17 Aug 2008|10:07am] |
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"The nation is not ready for a black president? The nation is not ready for a woman president? Why not? We've already had a retarded one." - Chris Rock
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| Offshore drilling |
[13 Aug 2008|06:04pm] |
With talk of record gas prices sounding like a broken record, the only promising factor in favor of the Republican Party is their push for more offshore domestic drilling. In Congress, Democrats introduced an energy bill that would address three issues that would lower gas prices. Republicans, though, filibustered and ultimately killed the bill for the season. The filibuster was to push for a debate addressing offshore drilling and attach around 15 other issues that would alleviate gas prices. It is an election year and Democrats and some Republicans are concerned at how their vote would affect their own votes.
Naturally Democrats should be worried because polls find that the majority of American are in favor offshore drilling.
Offshore drilling is not the fix that an oil-addicted country needs, though. In fact, Americans are becoming less addicted to oil by driving less, changing their driving habits, and ultimately spending less on excess luxuries. This is terrifying to many though, and of course our economy is still in rough shape because of it. But when I hear that we need to drill offshore, it sounds not unlike a junkie needing another hit.
"America is addicted to oil." - Mr Bush
"We need to drill for more oil at home." - Mr Bush
Obama addressed gas prices by saying that with regular tuneups to cars, checking tire gauges, Americans could save as much gas as we would get from drilling offshore.
Republicans tore him apart for days. They are so ignorant, that when someone with a good idea speaks, they criticize it relentlessly without giving any credit for a small solution. Their solution is the only one.
No, we need to get our dependence off of oil. There is not enough undrilled oil domestically to fit our current demand for more than a year. The idea of getting a gallon of oil cheaper than a gallon of milk was a good idea, but it was absurd. It will never come back. A $3 a gallon price is one that will get rid of these gas consuming pigs of SUVs and trucks and open the way to smaller and more efficient cars and a better sustainable society.
Truck and SUV auto companies are really paying the price for it now, but such is the way they wanted the free market, without an energy plan.
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[27 Jul 2008|02:55pm] |
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Obama admits that the drop in violence in Iraq is more than he anticipated, due to the surge and other reasons. McCain veers away from criticizing a 16 month withdrawal.
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[13 Jun 2008|04:17pm] |
Friday's are good because I actually have time to sit down and possibly even write something. This summer is shaping into something decent-- just because I am so busy. How am I busy in the summer and bored during school? Answer is that I am really under-challenged during the school year and then I don't have the motivation to start something else without deadlines or penalty, except in a few cases.
I am taking a summer class at UMass Boston that is Mon-Thursday, 6-9pm. It kind of rules a lot because I work from 8am - 3pm so I don't have to think about much except getting things done and going places. On the other hand, I don't have much time to sit and enjoy books or movies too much except on the train.
Warning: Political statements following:
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Commuting so much does get expensive-- looking at my bank statements, nearly every transaction has been for gasoline for my car and my motorcycle. About every 9 transactions for gas, there's a purchase of something else. Of course I usually carry a cash money on me too and that's spent for food. It's hard to save up money when gas is so expensive. Most Americans are spending their Economic Stimulus checks on gas and food-- so much for going out and buying plasma screen TVs to boost the economy. We are going through a very rough time now and its foolish to think that oil prices are gonna go down. But its also foolish to pay $1.50 for a gallon of gas and think that would last forever. Our entire infrastructure is heavily reliant on that cheap oil but its not going to happen any longer. Me saying this though isn't enough to change-- Americans will have to feel it on their wallets first before change can happen. It's the free market baby!!! Thanks Mr. Bush!! People don't realize what they vote for.
Number 2: I think that Obama is going to obliterate McCain. I think on their first televised debate they will stand next to each other and McCain is going to stumble on words and look old while Obama will be somewhat reminescent of Kennedy... But pushing age aside, I think that if Obama keeps talking about raising taxes then he's done for. A way better healthcare system, free and universal preferably, I want free tution to colleges, and government programs. This will all cost a lot of money. The economy is actually not that bad-- he needs to say, "No we're not gonna raise any taxes-- the free market is going to pay for it. Manufacturing is still strong in the US, we are exporting goods and we still have a real strong economy. The free market just needs some guidance and we stand on the greatest era of reform." When people have a strong government and strong social programs, people's consumer confidence skyrockets and people. Also the defense budget has more money than the top 10 nation's largest defense budgets combined. HOW COME WE CAN'T FIND SOME PRICK in Pakistan? How come we can't destroy a terrorist organization with the budget the size of McDonalds?
3: As far as Iraq, I don't think Obama should get us out right away. Only real option I see if pushing for multilateral support, no more of then unilateral stubburness-- it strips the US its power. With that I am going to stop talking about politics now.
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Still little clue to what I'm going to be doing with my life. But it ain't so bad.
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[12 Mar 2008|02:04pm] |
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the harder i work in my courses the worse grades i get.
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| Shyness...used to keep the world from going mad with chaos |
[03 Mar 2008|11:08am] |
While reading "What You Want to Do Fine," by Lorrie Moore, I came across a short paragraph that equated me to a past seemingly essential perception of meaning of life, (at least at the time, I get these epiphanies a lot and they usually recede away into the past...)
..."Uncertainty makes for shyness, and shyness, Quilty kept saying, is what keeps the world together. Or, rather, is what used to keep the world together, used to keep it from going mad with chaos. Now--now!-- was a different story..."
I recall sitting at UNH Manchester doing homework at a large table under the main staircase before class one day, trying to finish the assignment due within the hour. At the end of the staircase was the security desk for UNHM, where, if one needed to parking pass or help or whatnot, she could talk to the security. Working the desk with his back towards me was an old man, say in his late forties-- early fifties, working on a spreadsheet for something I would probably never understand. I bedraggled some facts together in a half hour to form a makeshift excuse for three hour assignment. I saved my work and looked got ready for class. I briefly looked up, at the precise moment the old man opened a video of a naked "barely eighteen" girl riding reverse cowboy on some well-hung lounge lizard.
I remember at the time I was shocked but not surprised... I assumed that, yeah, some older people look at porn and sometimes at work... that's fine. I just assumed that there was a barrier present for people who worked at school, especially older more senile ones. I assumed that when you hit a certain age, tits and ass just sort of get old... seen 'em a million times in porn, seen 'em all. Clearly this guy just wanted to get a brief glimpse of naked young girl... but for what purpose, at that moment? Especially at a college campus with girls like that everywhere? All those assumptions fell away and I realized that yeah, people are generally scumbags, (see Mr. Gagnon, Eighth grade). Even at 20, I was beginning to realize that porn, even cleavage, was special only because it was forbidden. And that all the extra baggage that comes with porn and cleavage is not worth it save for a few exceptions (on some girls, or those lonely friday nights hawhaw). But not at a college.
After a minute or so, a girl just about the age as that naked breasted beauty on the screen came up to the security and asked for directions. Casually the man opened to the spreadsheet and helped her out.
To get to the heart of the matter, I was angsty at the time, for personal reasons-- mainly tired of accepted lies and not crossing an unseen barrier of spoken word among people because it is much easier to not. I wanted to go up to that man and be like "I KNOW you watch porn here, despite someone being able to see you. I can't IMAGINE what you do when no one is around." I also wanted to blackmail this guy for money or whatever and threaten to tell someone.
But I didn't. Why? Because it was much easier. Because "shyness keeps the world from going into chaos...." At the time, I told myself, "fuck that, I am captain chaos." I wanted to tear down these lies and have truth in the world. I wanted to make people uncomfortable, to break this god damn routine that society revolves around. But I didn't.
I still believe in Captain Chaos. And I am closer to becoming him! But now!-- now! What is the story now?
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[02 Mar 2008|11:25am] |
I've got asked to play a show in Manchester in March, which is strange because I haven't played music in a long time. Though I don't think that I will play, I do think that I will start playing music more. I've got a ton of half finished stuff anyway so maybe it will all come together.
I also have had some short story ideas floating around in my head as well as some half finished stories too. So I think I will work on those.
Usually what deterred me from bringing all of my writing with me is there is so much of it and it just becomes a burden especially with all my other books. I think the simple solution is to bring a few select works with me.
I started a novel a couple months ago but I think I am going to store it for now and work on a different one. But first I want to finish some short stories.
I also have some crafty projects I want to do... the first is probably some type of collage with the lyrics of the Rosa song, "Hit the Bottle"; The lyrics are real ( good )
The show on Friday was pretty good.Yesterday I cleaned out my garage and my car. I washed the seats too which make them nice and soft. I still have to vacuum it out though. Last night I saw no country for old men which was pretty good. I rate it a B.
My parents are supposed to be coming up to visit and we're going out to eat but I have no clue where they are.
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| when knowing is half the battle |
[25 Feb 2008|07:10pm] |
The moment of self-doubt is the most crushing. It's when the ground opens up below you and you go crashing into the unknown. And you're left thinking how long you've been wrong? And the most terrifying shard is wondering how many decisions you've made because of the one wrong. They were all wrong. They were right along: "You need to care what people think, you're never going to make it, but what are you going to do to get by?" As if you wouldn't get by anyway.
So you wake up and change. Or, change and wake up to the anxieties and worry of a demanding world. But every moment is changing and it's easy to forget the lessons learnt in the past, and things grow old like the fading moon.
Cynthia will tell you, sometimes understanding is bright as day at night and sometimes you're left without nothing but those distant stars. Sometimes its so cloudy that they are so few to be seen or none at all.
Well we never should have doubted any of this. What we are is all we know and who we are is all we have and it will never be any other way.
How we define ourselves is more of what we do and how devoted we are. To be sane is to be free.
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[25 Feb 2008|06:39pm] |
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music |
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defiance ohio |
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Sometimes those days spent sleeping or in walking slumber are more welcome than those not. It's when it feels dark no matter how bright the day is that makes you nervous. And it's when you think that you're missing something in your days, or that there is someplace better than where you are, than who you are, that makes you anxious and depressed.
Everything is so boring and yet you smile to yourself at the people working to be someone better than who they are. Yeah this prison town isn't so bad when you know you can leave at any time.
You're just as free as how willing you are to live your dream.
so sing your heart out
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| 21 lunar eclipse martinis vaginas martinis x files |
[24 Feb 2008|06:29pm] |
It has never gotten weird enough for me.
I would be lying if I told you that turning twenty-one does not feel any different than any other year. Though these past several weeks I have willing-filled with a lack of a social life, lack of a desire to excel, dream; I have been content. For many months I have been unable to stop and catch my breath; now it seems that all I am catching my breath, watching idly as the people pass by in a blur. I don't recognize their faces, or what they do. Just am content.
It is much easier to pardon my self indulgence in seclusion when I realize that despite being a recluse, the world has been working the way it has for all of my years. Perhaps that's why to some people turning the big two one they do not feel different.
As for me, don't worry about me. I know where I am going, I know what I am doing. I trust every decision I make now. And I am rewarding myself this month-- for surviving 21 years on this god forsaken warming planet. These winter months are usually the toughest for me so I am not going to work against my own self, as much as I normally do, to better myself.
"Anxious and worrying-- so you spend you're whole life worrying, for something better than what you knew before. And always knowing that you are you, and that you are gonna even up the score..."
not weird enough?
( 21 or TOO YOUNG? )
( TIRAMISU and ECLIPSE )
( VAGINAS and MONOLOGUES )
( TIRAMISU + X FILES )
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[06 Feb 2008|08:51am] |
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Well I'm well into the semester now. I decided that I don't like it here. Perhaps its the snow or the cold or the lack of anything to do. It doesn't really matter. I didn't want to come here and I spent most of the time here trying to look for the good or to feel at home. But I'm pretty that feeling of dead and emptiness is just being somewhere where I don't want to be. And when I feel this way I don't have the motivation to get what little there is to get done. And I don't feel like there's much I'm getting out of my majors or anything that will help me get a job. I think I want to have Bear Gryll's job.
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[04 Jan 2008|08:25pm] |
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My dad locked his keys in the car at the gas station pump and my entire family watched me break into his car
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[02 Jan 2008|09:42am] |
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i can't tell if you're laughing between each smile theres a tear in your eye |
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2008 resolutions:
-live completely and honestly
-not be tired as much [focus on the now]
-exercise more, bicycle, work out
-clean and organize everything and stay organized
-work hard for A's for a perfect semester
-trust the decisions that I have made as well as the ones that I will make in the future
-have confidence in myself and the decisions i have made and make
-get into law school / grad school
-have a legit business perhaps
-investing in green energy
-be enviro conscious
-learn more French
-travel more, go to France
-take piano lessons
-put care into everything i do
-fix family
-work on a novel and maybe finish
-get published [newspaper etc...]
-motorcycle all the time
-record new songs
-less unproductive time, less time on computer
-write down all the ideas i get that i say i will remember but don't
-take dance lessons
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| Those robots are called humans! |
[02 Dec 2007|02:32pm] |
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After reading the first part of Breakfast of Champions I have come to the conclusion that most of us are robots. So much time is spent in robotic auto pilot mode, perhaps even entire lives.
I think I'll do all of my homework and then go to NYC this weekend.
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[21 Nov 2007|10:11pm] |
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Things are going pretty good.
I am home today-- went out to dinner with my family which was really refreshing. My dad got a business quote from China and they invited us to meet in Shanxi to meet and tour. My dad was pretty excited about that as well as my mom, though they want us to leave in mid December which means its pretty soon.
I have not heard from any old friends if they are home, but it's possible that I might see them soon which I am looking forward to. Especially Rachel and friends! I just lost all their numbers so I haven't gotten in touch with them.
Classes are going pretty good as well, I'm acing my hardest I believe, fiction. The teacher is a tall skinny black man who is about 65 years old. Man that guy has it. When we studied the 1950's this man was bouncing around ranting and raving about ole' Charlie Parker and the bebop generation. He said that Bebop was supposed to be black man's jazz... faster than any whiteman could ever play. Anyways, this man is hilarious and is the only teacher throughout my entire education that has pushed me to try near 100%.
Journalism is going pretty good, I'm doing pretty well, although I have not handed in an assignment due last week! And I have to write a first hand feature writing story on something. Ideas that I am thinking of: volunteering at a soup kitchen, some type of traveling, maybe urban exploring, motorcycle ride up Mt Washington, or finding a gay man to hold my hand while I go to classes and account for the experiences I encounter.
Pyschology is good but I hardly go to class even though it's awesome. I just can't get up at 7am to get to it. This is definitely hurting my grade.
Geology is going pretty good as well. I started out okay, and I got an 86 on the first test. Then I stopped going to class and proceeded to get a 59 on the 2nd exam. However I went to most all classes and received a 91 on the latest one! Secret is to go to class and the review session.
I'm going to start writing more-- the only reason I have not start writing a novel is because I have no idea which direction to go. But I figured I might as well write in the meantime.
I also am starting to play music once again which is exciting. I am thinking about taking piano lessons.
I also am thinking about getting a job, though I am not so much short on cash anymore. Getting a job would just keep me busy.
I mean everything else is "good" so its all just too boring to recount. It's nice at the same time, though. Hopefully I don't get those winter blues. They usually come when I run out of things to do. So I can't let that happen.
NYC soon
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[20 Oct 2007|12:42am] |
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im having a shitty night and day and i also lost all of your numbers so you need to txt me or call me with your names thanks
759 6714
new hampshire of course
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